Connecting time

We need other people to function and grow properly. Intimacy, and closeness to other people are crucial for our mental and physical health. Although, building relationships with others seems intuitive, it is not easy at all and requires a range of different competencies, including emotional intelligence and communication.

Among the skills necessary to build social bonds is empathy – the ability to recognize and understand the emotional states of others. Empathy allows us to look at a situation from the other person’s perspective and accept their way of thinking. It is an essential part of caring for others.

To be able to effectively express empathy, proper communication is extremely important. It will allow us to express ourselves precisely, but also to listen carefully to the messages given by our interlocutor. Asking for help and setting clear boundaries are also important elements of communication and building social bonds.

Finally, it is extremely important to acknowledge diversity. While we all live in a similar space, we are influenced by similar factors – we are all different. We have different needs, expectations, lifestyles, and finally, mental constructs. Awareness of these differences will allow us to better understand those around us.

Fortunately, we can learn the competencies necessary to build intimacy with others.

Being close to others is crucial for our mental and physical well-being. This is confirmed by numerous studies – Ewelina Pankowska talked about some of them in the podcast. Without contact with other people, we wouldn’t be able to develop properly or function in society, staying healthy. Even small contact with people “known by sight” can significantly improve our quality of life and protect us from the harmful effects of loneliness.

Below you will find topics and tips related to the most important areas for connecting with others.

EMOTIONAL EMPATHY, COGNITIVE EMPATHY

In its simplest sense, empathy is “the ability to feel other people’s emotions and understand their thinking”. In such a general definition, we can see that there are at least two types of empathy – cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. They are based on different processing systems.

Emotional empathy has to do with sympathy, the emergence of uncomfortable feelings in response to another person’s suffering – it involves our emotional response to another person’s experience. Emotional empathy arouses in us the desire to help.

Cognitive empathy allows us to “step into the shoes of the other person”. – take on their perspective, imagine what they are feeling, and understand their emotions. Imagine what it would be like if we were in their shoes. It helps to distinguish which emotions “are mine” and which are those of the other person, and to focus on a plan of action – what can I do to help.

People who demonstrate high levels of empathy will function better in society and form more satisfying social relationships, both in their personal and professional lives. However, for empathy to support us, we must maintain a balance between cognitive and emotional empathy. Too much emotional empathy over cognitive empathy – that is, our body’s overreaction to the experiences of others – can be overwhelming and disrupt our emotional well-being. When we don’t have space for our emotional reactions, it can prevent us from feeling empathy; we won’t want to experience empathy because it will be too painful for us.

Empathy can be practiced. The key is to be able to recognize our emotional states – practicing mindfulness is helpful here. You can read more about it in Time In. The second important issue is the ability to communicate, including the ability to listen.

ACTIVE LISTENING

It is extremely important to communicate properly with each other and to take care of the relationship. It certainly happens that two people talk about the same thing, yet they cannot communicate or find a common language. It is worth equipping yourself with a bunch of helpful skills that will improve the communication process.

Active listening is making a conscious effort not only to hear the words your interlocutor says to you, but also to hear and understand the entire message. During a conversation, we tend to get distracted by our surroundings or think about what to say to our interlocutor instead of listening. This can cause us to misread the message.

Active listening is not just about maintaining eye contact and nodding. It also includes an open body posture, facial expressions, and short messages (“aha”, “I understand”). Active listening techniques are useful in active listening, these include i.e:

• paraphrasing (repeating the interlocutor’s statements in your own words);
• summarizing (expressing the most important information);
• reflecting feelings (showing that you understand what the other person is feeling);
• appreciation (showing the interlocutor that what they say is important to you);
• clarification (asking for clarification of what is not understood).

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION – PARAPHRASE AND QUESTIONS

As we mentioned earlier, to better understand your interlocutor, you may use the so-called paraphrase, i.e., repeating back to your partner in your own words what they have said so far. This will enable clarification and eliminate possible misinterpretation of the received information. We tend to filter information through our current and past experiences, adjusting them to the scenarios that exist in our experiences. We put the facts we have heard in a subjective context, which disturbs the communication process, and in the long run, may affect the relationship. It is, therefore, worthwhile to use paraphrasing.

If a statement seems unclear to you, ask questions. They are very powerful and additionally emphasize engagement in communication. However, remember that you are not conducting an interrogation. First of all, try to focus on the other person and understand them better. Try to focus on facts (what, where, when?), but additionally ask the person how they felt in the situation and what thoughts were on their mind. The answers you get to these questions will help you get a broader view of the person and a richer emotional palette they are experiencing.`

PRACTICE REFLECTIVITY – “LOOK WIDER, LOOK DEEPER”

You already know what empathy is and how important it is for people and relationships. Practicing reflection will help you make your brain more sensitive to emotionally tinged stimuli and, importantly, become more malleable. How to achieve this.

Reflexivity is not meant to be about you focusing on dissecting a problem, agonizing over it for hours or maybe even days. First of all, it is important to look at the problem from your perspective and notice what emotions you feel about it. Then try to look deeper, gradually broadening your perspective and trying to find another point of view, not necessarily your own. Consider what reasons might lie behind the other person’s emotions and behaviors. Trying to find interpretations, understand other perspectives, and step outside the proverbial “bubble” will help you improve your interpersonal skills and will show you that relationships are about more than one person and their perspective.

INTIMACY AND CUDDLING

Thanks to Paweł Bogusław’s podcast, we know the importance of oxytocin in the stress response. But what does oxytocin have to do with relationships with other people?

Oxytocin has been called the “cuddle hormone.” Why? Because when we cuddle, receptors in our skin send a signal to our brain, which triggers the release of various hormones, including oxytocin, which calms us down and boosts trust and a sense of security. It also increases mutual attachment and the need for intimacy, and closeness, hence its other name – the “love hormone”.

Touch is beneficial to health: it lowers blood pressure and speeds up recovery. It helps to calm down and achieve a state of relaxation, strengthening bonds. According to research, lack of touch and intimacy can lead to insomnia, and cardiovascular problems and increases the risk of depression. Loneliness leads to a suppression of the production of white blood cells and an increase in the levels of compounds responsible for inflammation, which leads to cardiovascular diseases, general weakness of the body, or metabolic diseases, among others. Lack of touch and intimacy can be as harmful to health as smoking – it increases the risk of premature death by about 30%!

Even casual, everyday contacts with “strangers” in our environment (shop assistants, public transport drivers, janitors) reduce the feeling of loneliness, build a sense of connection with others, and strengthen our confidence and self-esteem.

CARING AND ASKING FOR SUPPORT

Caring is strongly related to empathy – it is caring and attentiveness to the other person. The need to care for others is instilled in us from an early age. However, it should not manifest itself in “worrying”, helpless suffering. Caring is recognizing what the other person needs – also by asking “How can I help you?” or “What do you need?”

Caring for others is even desirable. However, asking for support is perceived differently. Just as we are taught from an early age to care about others, we are also expected to be independent. And in Polish culture, asking for help is usually perceived as a sign of weakness or incapability. However, it is worth asking for support. Why? And how to do it?

Asking for support requires us to open up to ourselves and others. Asking for support involves talking about your own emotional experiences, difficulties, and unmet needs. Sometimes this may be accompanied by the belief that our problems are not that important.
Asking for support and helping others builds a sense of community, creates intimacy, reduces loneliness, and increases happiness. It is also a way of expressing self-care – we are not self-sufficient and many of the problems we experience every day do not depend on us alone. Asking for support means using your ability to recognize and communicate your needs. Communication is a key skill – once you know exactly what you’re struggling with, you should express your need directly. Be aware that the person you are asking for help may refuse to help you.

We also have the right to refuse to help someone if we do not have the space to do so at the moment. If you’d like to learn more about taking care of your own boundaries while helping others, take a look at the materials from the War Anxiety webinar.

THE POWER OF DIVERSITY

One of the key issues regarding empathy is diversity – and that includes its acceptance. Building close contact with other people is related to how we approach differences between people. This is another aspect where the ability to recognize our own emotional states and their intensity is crucial.

This issue was brought up in the Anna Cieślik podcast. The feelings we experience are very complex. For example, in relationships with loved ones we experience love and friendship – which means that we can simultaneously love and dislike someone, or vice versa.

Related to diversity is the concept of conflict. One of the emotions present in conflict is anger – sometimes someone annoys us because their habits are different from ours, and their behaviors differ from our expectations. And it is the inability to accept these differences and inadequate communication that causes conflicts.

Realizing and accepting diversity is a step towards building intimacy and understanding. As a result, it will enable everyone to develop their potential.

Below you will find articles written by experienced researchers, psychologists, psychotherapists, journalists, and health professionals covering issues related to empathy, communication, and caring for relationships with loved ones.

• “Emotional intelligence” (2005), Daniel Goleman
• “The Empathic Brain” (2011), Christian Keysers
• “The Science of Evil: On empathy and the origins of cruelty” (2011), Simon Baron-Cohen